The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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