Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
