I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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