I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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