i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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