I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My balls are so social today.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
