Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
