Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
