New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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