it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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