i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
