I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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