Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
