I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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