Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
