I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Randomize
