I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
