Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
