Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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