Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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