is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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