I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
