Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
All the doctor said was why
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
