I was born with a shot glass in my hand
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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