God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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