Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
