Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Randomize
