I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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