I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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