I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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