She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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