nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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