Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Less talking, more tequila
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
