she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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