ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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