are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
