it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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