We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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