i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
