go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
