FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
