I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
