Got a toothbrush?
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
