so explain again why im purple
no
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
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My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
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She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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