He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
