Please, let me fuck your mom
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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