I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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