Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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