mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
