Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
