Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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