alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
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Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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