hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
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